ELEVEN

i have withdrawn.

photo credit: me

Sound of Silence / Simon & Garfunkel
Colors of the Wind / Pocahontas
Blue Ridge Mountain / Fleet Foxes
15 Step / Radiohead
Icky Thump / The White Stripes
The City of Blinding Lights / U2

enough.

TEN

pretentious: [pri-ten-shuh s] adjective

1. full of pretense or pretension.
2. characterized by assumption of dignity or importance.
3. making an exaggerated outward show.

i read one of my old blogs. basically the prime example of this lovely ^word^. we’re not going to dwell on it.

moving on.

i didn’t go to school today. just couldn’t do it. we won’t talk about that either. but i did watch the graduate (for school). i did not like the ending. mrs. robinson sucks.

watch this.

going through the motions. life has no meaning anymore. i need to find a greater purpose (and no, i do not mean a greater religious purpose). i need to build a life worth living, as corny as it sounds. bleak. bleak bleak BLEAK.

photo credit: dripbook

NINE

back to school tomorrow: i’m super excited

photo credit: flickr

i get to see all my best friends who i totally don’t connect with and don’t understand what’s going on with me (partly my fault because i don’t take the time to explain) and i get to see the dumbos in my classes who i really would rather never see ever again. that or i’d like to tell them to go to hell.

enough about that. i really love dripbook and we heart it. if i honestly answered the question “what did you do over vacation?” i would say “well muthafuckas [meaning my classmates], i stayed up late most nights until around 2:30 or 3:00 am going online looking at editorial photographs dripbook and oyster.” yeah, not so interesting. but i really do enjoy it and it’s quite inspiring. if only my computer didn’t get so bogged down by it.

photo credit: flickr

i saw northeastern university on friday [i live outside boston and it's only about a 25 minute drive for me to get there]. i liked it at first but toward the end, not so much. i think they’re looking for the AP, honors, extracurricular, 2100 SAT student and that isn’t me. i used to think i was that person but not anymore. i liked that they were very into research and social/cultural questioning, which made me realize that i am interested in so much more than fashion. i like politics and social revolution/chaos (not that i like it to exist, i like to study it).

photo credit: flickr

the info session leader was a total snob, too. when she talked about the honors college, she said honors students can take a class called “Crazy in America” which i was thinking was about the flawed government or something. then she says “it’s about what it’s like to have a mental illness in america” and i’m like what the fuck! and i started tearing up a little (i was already pissed at her for some other stuff she said). i’m not crazy! it’s a common misconception that people with mental illness are crazy. i have a chemical imbalance in my brain, a lack of saratonin that deregulates my mood and often keeps it lower than the average person. to simply explain the class as “what it’s like to have a mental illness in america” without even saying that the american misjudgement that people with SMI are crazy is extremely misleading. northeastern is supposed to be a forward-thinking school and i sincerely hope that there is a colon at the end of that title with an explanation. perhaps she explained the class incorrectly but it certainly misrepresented the school (or did it?).

i’m thinking of writing an email to admissions (after i check the course selection forms online to see the info about the class, so i don’t jump to conclusions) to tell them that they should explain it better or omit it from the info session completely. i asked if there are psychiatric services for students at the university and she said she wasn’t sure but she thought there were so that’s good. then some mother on the tour gave me a handout that said “Students with Disabilities” which was nice of her but i guess i made an impression.

photo credit: flickr

besides the tour, the rest of my friday was okay. my mom dropped me off on newbury street (in back bay) because i wanted to go to h&m, american apparel and zara. here’s my shopping list:

• [X] skirt(s)
• [   ] harem pants
• [X] circle scarf
• [   ] stretchy pants (no, not so.lows because that would be ew)
• [   ] cozy tops

not very successful. i got a red skirt and navy tie dye circle scarf at american apparel. that’s it. i tried on SO MUCH but no cigar. and i was walking down newbury, boppin’ along, when i realized shit! i don’t have my phone! and i needed my phone to call my mom to get a ride from the T station to get home. so i went down to the copley outbound station thinking they’d have a pay phone and i asked the mbta guy there (he was very nice) but he said no and told me to go to back bay (a block or two away=SUPER). so i booked it over there, found a pay phone, called my mom and booked it back to the green line and made buddy buddy with the mbta guy. “YOU’RE BACK!” he smiled so brightly. we chatted as i dug around in my bag for my charlie card. then i bounced and all was well.

photo credit: flickr

except some girl on the T kept saying “WHABAM” really loudly. shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up

EIGHT

sitting in the car in the garage. alone. no lights but the basement door is open with the light on. white stripes playing.

why does this keep happening?

SEVEN

i realized some things:

1. this blog is one big complaint. all i do is complain! but…okay, i’m not making excuses, but i am severely depressed and possibly bipolar and i possibly have borderline personality disorder, all of which cause me to have suicidal ideation. thoughts of suicide: the things i complain about contribute to the reasons i don’t want to be here on this earth (at the times i don’t want to be here, which, at the moment, is often).
2. everything in my life is a comparison or a competition. i am the one who makes it that way, no one else.
3. i am showing signs of having major cognitive distortions (hospital term): black and white thinking, fortune-telling, mental filter, feel decision-making, should statements, labeling/mislabeling.
4. i have left out my “internet life” when i go to therapy. and i consider my relationship with her to be very strong.
5. if i’m going to do this thing (have this blog), i need to be free of worries. i need to be able to write what i want to write and not care what anyone thinks. i will do that now.

i had my last therapy session with my substitute therapist today. i really like her and i will miss her, but i’m sure i can meet with her again if i want. we covered a lot of ground which was really helpful because i felt like with my current therapist (who i love and really trust) we’re stuck. i have developed a such a close relationship with her that i am afraid to disappoint her, so i don’t tell her about certain parts of my life because i don’t want her to think less of me (like blogging and the amount of time i spend online).

photo credit: etsy

i finally talked about my online habit today with the substitute therapist because honestly, i spend almost as much time online as i do at school. it’s REALLY unhealthy. like i’ve said before, i’m trying to fill a void, to find people to understand me, to find people like me. i don’t talk about fashion with my friends or anyone at school. no one cares here. fashion, for me, is online and the internet is my escape because i can’t economically afford to get away, as much as i so desperately want to.

i talked about it in group (i go to a group at mclean hospital at the outpatient center where i was hospitalized twice) today and i ended up crying. i felt so ashamed, like the other girls judged me for it. i explained why i felt ashamed by saying “if i were reading books for hours on end people would have no problem with it but i’m online looking at blogs, not the real world. it’s not literarily respected. i think of people that are addicted to the internet as those kids that sit in their basements for 24 hours at a time playing world of warcraft.” to this one of the girls says “i play world of warcraft for 24 hours a day.” and i’m thinking oh, great, i’ve broken a group rule: no judging. ((and my dog just farted. really nice.))

photo credit: etsy

one thing was good about today: my mom and i decided that perhaps, in college, i should just major in Journalism instead of something like Fashion ______ (fill in blank) because Journalism is so much more broad. it would allow me to do whatever i want, really! i could write some BOOKS! or some PAMphlets! i could write for a newspaper! or i could do fashion journalism, like i had originally planned. Journalism is less narrow and lets me do more so i don’t get stuck.

SIX

Dear Unjust People*,

I just wanted to tell you all what a great job you’re doing at your various professions. I find no fault whatsoever with the ways in which you conduct your professional lives and that is quite significant.

To the politicians: Thank you. Thank you for taking control of my life so I don’t possibly have a chance to. It really means a lot. I know that you care because you vote on things that don’t even effect you because of your economic status. It shows me that you are sacrificing your time for those less fortunate than you are. And keep flying those private jets! They are a symbol of hope for the country! They give us something to strive for: SUCCESS WILL BE OURS!

To the youth: Listen to the great scholars (American Eagle Outfitters and Rihanna). Do as they say and just “Live your life (eehhh ehhhh ehhh ehhh ehhh).” I’m sure you don’t need me to remind you of that, right? You already live your life! You live it every day, whether not paying any attention to the economy or the bailout (two things that will effect you severely in the future) or simply being the competitive little devils you are. You go kids!

To the companies and businesses: In these tough times, in must be difficult to stay afloat. I cannot believe the amount of tenacity you all have to still be standing here today! You’ve increased your prices: what a great idea! You’ve decreased your stores and laid off thousands of employees: how economically thoughtful! And on top of all that, people are still coming to your stores. My, my, my, you boys are living the American Dream.

To the celebrities: I think you are just the bees knees. With the Oscars coming up this Sunday, I cannot wait to see the Best and Worst Dressed for 2009. It almost seems like you haven’t even been affected by the downturning economy! But you aren’t just glamorous, you also care about the environment, so much that you take private planes to get to the environmental fundraisers and events because you don’t want Global Warming to increase anymore! How thoughtful. Mother Earth certainly thanks you.

To you: Thanks for reading this (if you did). It was probably painful. (*You are not considered and Unjust Person.)

 

Sincerely,

Megan

photo credit: oyster

FIVE

stupid fucking internet! OHMYGODDDDDDDFFFFUUUUUCCCKKKKK–not very ladylile, my apologies.

my internet thougt it would be cool to be a dumbfuck and stop working (or if it does work, it’s really slow). I’ve been forced to use my iPod and it corrects me every other word because my fatso thumbs arent so good with this tiny keyboard. I have the wordpress application on my iPod and I don’t need Internet doe it.

sEE IMWK NO Semse!!!!!!! Fuxkin keyboard. I was going to post pictures of … Well more pictures of tjw snow but this time they’re polaroids because my nikon was out of battery.

PS: I went to salvation army today (which was GREAT but really, I bought 4 cozy sweaters and a skirt. I needsomething new!!! I should go back or to another one) but the trip was overshadowed by a ………. sPEEDING TICKET. The cop was a total bitch too. You Massachusetts-ers BEWARE cuz they’re out to get you too for the big dig. Fuck fuck fuck

photo credit: dripbook

FOUR

my dog will be 11 months on friday. he’s too young to be familiar with snow. it’s snowing outside now and he was out on my deck, sliding around and chasing after snowflakes trying to catch them in his mouth. he isn’t the smartest dog, that’s for sure. he even eats his own poop. a very classy boy.

photo credit: me

THREE

a rant: please read

“it doesn’t matter.”

photo credit: rineke dijkstra

i say this often, whether referring to school, friends, a misunderstanding with my parents and, most often, life in general. life to me just doesn’t matter. but for some reason, right now, this blog does. it matters so much to me. not like it’s a beacon of hope that’s going to get me through these dark days ahead of me. no, not like that at all. more like it matters what anyone that even comes across my sad sorry blog by accident thinks of it.

 

WHAT DO YOU THINK???

 

don’t answer that. because don’t you realize? i hold you–YES, YOU!–on a high high high pedastol way above me. you might be younger than me, or have a lower IQ than me, or maybe you can’t spell as well as i can, or perhaps i don’t even like your style, or i think you’re a hypocrite, or self-righteous but the point is, no matter what or who you are, i still want to impress you.

photo credit: rineke dijkstra

i read these blogs of people i admire for their style because they’re young and they’re going somewhere. they’re living the dream, in my eyes. but then i used to comment on people’s blogs and they wouldn’t respond to me or i’d get “thanks for the comment.” now i don’t comment because what’s another comment when they already get about 60 comments per post? really, it’s nothing, especially when all i have to add is “cool sweater! i have one just like it!” and do you notice how we (the lowly unknown bloggers) comment and comment and comment (well, not me, but i guess i’m starting to now because i’m lonely and my therapist is on vacation) on the big blogs but the big blogs don’t comment on anyone except for each other once in awhile? i put so much effort into saying the right thing to big blogger A but then they see my comment and click on my blog, scroll down a little and say “mmm it’s aiiight but i’ll pass on this one, too much text. she’s not very pretty, anyways, and she doesn’t live in cali”. total stereotype, i know. VERY VERY OFFENDING AND NOT PC AT ALL <<RAWR ANGRY FACES>>

and on top of everything, i know my blog(s) suck(s). i don’t have a tripod. my muse at the moment is my dog. i am in desperate need of a new wardrobe. i have no outfit photographer. i am really not photogenic. i have bad skin and i don’t care to take care of it. does it matter? it didn’t before, really (well, the clothes thing did, because i wear the same sweater + legging + docs combo everyday) but the rest of it didn’t–it didn’t matter. it DOES now matter, though, because i’ve started this blog and because i want people to read it so that i don’t feel so lonely. it’s the standard i’m trying to uphold.

 

photo credit: rineke dijkstra

the point is: i have social anxiety. i put myself out there day after day, online, in school, in mood disorder group and with my friends. just because you’re some big whig blogger, don’t forget about the little guys.

 

ANALYSIS OF WHY I WROTE THIS:

• i want more people to read my blog (self-importance/i think i’m goooooooood)
• i think i’m suffering from insomnia lately (last night i didn’t go to bed till 2:30 and it’s already 1:00. i’m usually asleep by 12:30)
• i talked to two of my friends (they’re in florida on a crew training trip) and it didn’t go well. i ended up hanging up on them, crying and then playing tetris to ease the pain, which worked out.
• i’m mad jeal(ous) of the high profile bloggers
• i’ve been getting pissed (not like “getting pissed” as in getting wasted which i have never done) lately about all the injustices in the world, and they are all coming together in the most horrible ways at the most inconvenient times

photo credit: rineke dijkstra

the blog doesn’t matter to you. its image  matters to me. my image on the blog matters to me therefore influencing the matter of my image off of the blog. does that matter?

TWO

A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be a friend.    -Anonymous

we have a pillow in my house with this quote stitched into it and for some reason my dog is really infatuated with it lately. i should just let him tear the thing to shreads. it’s a crap quote anyways and clearly the author knew it, too. that’s why they didn’t fess up to saying the damn thing. you know, anonymous has a lot of nerve.