THREE

a rant: please read

“it doesn’t matter.”

Kolobrzeg, Poland, July 27, 1992

photo credit: rineke dijkstra

i say this often, whether referring to school, friends, a misunderstanding with my parents and, most often, life in general. life to me just doesn’t matter. but for some reason, right now, this blog does. it matters so much to me. not like it’s a beacon of hope that’s going to get me through these dark days ahead of me. no, not like that at all. more like it matters what anyone that even comes across my sad sorry blog by accident thinks of it.

 

WHAT DO YOU THINK???

 

don’t answer that. because don’t you realize? i hold you–YES, YOU!–on a high high high pedastol way above me. you might be younger than me, or have a lower IQ than me, or maybe you can’t spell as well as i can, or perhaps i don’t even like your style, or i think you’re a hypocrite, or self-righteous but the point is, no matter what or who you are, i still want to impress you.

Coney Island, N.Y., USA, July 9, 1993

photo credit: rineke dijkstra

i read these blogs of people i admire for their style because they’re young and they’re going somewhere. they’re living the dream, in my eyes. but then i used to comment on people’s blogs and they wouldn’t respond to me or i’d get “thanks for the comment.” now i don’t comment because what’s another comment when they already get about 60 comments per post? really, it’s nothing, especially when all i have to add is “cool sweater! i have one just like it!” and do you notice how we (the lowly unknown bloggers) comment and comment and comment (well, not me, but i guess i’m starting to now because i’m lonely and my therapist is on vacation) on the big blogs but the big blogs don’t comment on anyone except for each other once in awhile? i put so much effort into saying the right thing to big blogger A but then they see my comment and click on my blog, scroll down a little and say “mmm it’s aiiight but i’ll pass on this one, too much text. she’s not very pretty, anyways, and she doesn’t live in cali”. total stereotype, i know. VERY VERY OFFENDING AND NOT PC AT ALL <<RAWR ANGRY FACES>>

and on top of everything, i know my blog(s) suck(s). i don’t have a tripod. my muse at the moment is my dog. i am in desperate need of a new wardrobe. i have no outfit photographer. i am really not photogenic. i have bad skin and i don’t care to take care of it. does it matter? it didn’t before, really (well, the clothes thing did, because i wear the same sweater + legging + docs combo everyday) but the rest of it didn’t–it didn’t matter. it DOES now matter, though, because i’ve started this blog and because i want people to read it so that i don’t feel so lonely. it’s the standard i’m trying to uphold.

Coney Island, N.Y., USA, June 20, 1993 

photo credit: rineke dijkstra

the point is: i have social anxiety. i put myself out there day after day, online, in school, in mood disorder group and with my friends. just because you’re some big whig blogger, don’t forget about the little guys.

 

ANALYSIS OF WHY I WROTE THIS:

  • i want more people to read my blog (self-importance/i think i’m goooooooood)
  • i think i’m suffering from insomnia lately (last night i didn’t go to bed till 2:30 and it’s already 1:00. i’m usually asleep by 12:30)
  • i talked to two of my friends (they’re in florida on a crew training trip) and it didn’t go well. i ended up hanging up on them, crying and then playing tetris to ease the pain, which worked out.
  • i’m mad jeal(ous) of the high profile bloggers
  • i’ve been getting pissed (not like “getting pissed” as in getting wasted which i have never done) lately about all the injustices in the world, and they are all coming together in the most horrible ways at the most inconvenient times

Odessa, Ukraine, August 4, 1993

photo credit: rineke dijkstra

the blog doesn’t matter to you. its image  matters to me. my image on the blog matters to me therefore influencing the matter of my image off of the blog. does that matter?

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under Injustices

3 responses to “THREE

  1. I’ve had similair feelings to yours. Actually, I feel like everyone’s had feeling like this, maybe to a lower degree, but it’s something very common among people. Screw those big list bloggers that put themselves in a higher rank for the attention they recieve. Many think they’re too good for us, but just don’t try to let it get to you so easily. Really, I know I’ve never met you, but you seem to put yourself down too easily for the things you say to yourself. I’m just assuming you have a pretty low self-esteem for this, and I really hope that you realize that your blog is really not bad at all. In fact, I find it different from the rest and NO, I’m not saying that to be a suck up. I would just like you to know that really, it’s not the way you think of it. Anyway, I hope you’re able to get through any of your problems smoothly. Just try to see the positive side of things once in a while, it also makes life much easier.

  2. Rineke is one of my absolute favorite photographers. have you ever seen the video series she did of kids at a nightclub standing in front of the camera as it records how they react to being filmed with no direction? amazing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s