i realized some things:

  1. this blog is one big complaint. all i do is complain! but…okay, i’m not making excuses, but i am severely depressed and possibly bipolar and i possibly have borderline personality disorder, all of which cause me to have suicidal ideation. thoughts of suicide: the things i complain about contribute to the reasons i don’t want to be here on this earth (at the times i don’t want to be here, which, at the moment, is often).
  2. everything in my life is a comparison or a competition. i am the one who makes it that way, no one else.
  3. i am showing signs of having major cognitive distortions (hospital term): black and white thinking, fortune-telling, mental filter, feel decision-making, should statements, labeling/mislabeling.
  4. i have left out my “internet life” when i go to therapy. and i consider my relationship with her to be very strong.
  5. if i’m going to do this thing (have this blog), i need to be free of worries. i need to be able to write what i want to write and not care what anyone thinks. i will do that now.

i had my last therapy session with my substitute therapist today. i really like her and i will miss her, but i’m sure i can meet with her again if i want. we covered a lot of ground which was really helpful because i felt like with my current therapist (who i love and really trust) we’re stuck. i have developed a such a close relationship with her that i am afraid to disappoint her, so i don’t tell her about certain parts of my life because i don’t want her to think less of me (like blogging and the amount of time i spend online).

photo credit: etsy

i finally talked about my online habit today with the substitute therapist because honestly, i spend almost as much time online as i do at school. it’s REALLY unhealthy. like i’ve said before, i’m trying to fill a void, to find people to understand me, to find people like me. i don’t talk about fashion with my friends or anyone at school. no one cares here. fashion, for me, is online and the internet is my escape because i can’t economically afford to get away, as much as i so desperately want to.

i talked about it in group (i go to a group at mclean hospital at the outpatient center where i was hospitalized twice) today and i ended up crying. i felt so ashamed, like the other girls judged me for it. i explained why i felt ashamed by saying “if i were reading books for hours on end people would have no problem with it but i’m online looking at blogs, not the real world. it’s not literarily respected. i think of people that are addicted to the internet as those kids that sit in their basements for 24 hours at a time playing world of warcraft.” to this one of the girls says “i play world of warcraft for 24 hours a day.” and i’m thinking oh, great, i’ve broken a group rule: no judging. ((and my dog just farted. really nice.))

photo credit: etsy

one thing was good about today: my mom and i decided that perhaps, in college, i should just major in Journalism instead of something like Fashion ______ (fill in blank) because Journalism is so much more broad. it would allow me to do whatever i want, really! i could write some BOOKS! or some PAMphlets! i could write for a newspaper! or i could do fashion journalism, like i had originally planned. Journalism is less narrow and lets me do more so i don’t get stuck.


1 Comment

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One response to “SEVEN

  1. Hey, thanks. But yeah, don’t you even worry about it too much, that’s really all I can say. I’ve been having to deal with similair problems as you, I sometimes think of myself so lowly and I constantly compare myself to others. To be honest, maybe you CAN really distinguish right from wrong, and maybe you DO actually have really good advice but you may have to open your eyes wider to see it, and not let all that negativity fill up the whole space. Honestly speaking, the last comment I left you was some advice I should follow myself more often, that’s why I’m saying so.. I think we all know what we should do but sometimes we’re too weary to follow what we know would serve as our benefit. I think I may not be explaining myself too clearly, but I’m hoping you get the idea. I just know how you feel.

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