i realized some things:
- this blog is one big complaint. all i do is complain! but…okay, i’m not making excuses, but i am severely depressed and possibly bipolar and i possibly have borderline personality disorder, all of which cause me to have suicidal ideation. thoughts of suicide: the things i complain about contribute to the reasons i don’t want to be here on this earth (at the times i don’t want to be here, which, at the moment, is often).
- everything in my life is a comparison or a competition. i am the one who makes it that way, no one else.
- i am showing signs of having major cognitive distortions (hospital term): black and white thinking, fortune-telling, mental filter, feel decision-making, should statements, labeling/mislabeling.
- i have left out my “internet life” when i go to therapy. and i consider my relationship with her to be very strong.
- if i’m going to do this thing (have this blog), i need to be free of worries. i need to be able to write what i want to write and not care what anyone thinks. i will do that now.
i had my last therapy session with my substitute therapist today. i really like her and i will miss her, but i’m sure i can meet with her again if i want. we covered a lot of ground which was really helpful because i felt like with my current therapist (who i love and really trust) we’re stuck. i have developed a such a close relationship with her that i am afraid to disappoint her, so i don’t tell her about certain parts of my life because i don’t want her to think less of me (like blogging and the amount of time i spend online).
photo credit: etsy
i finally talked about my online habit today with the substitute therapist because honestly, i spend almost as much time online as i do at school. it’s REALLY unhealthy. like i’ve said before, i’m trying to fill a void, to find people to understand me, to find people like me. i don’t talk about fashion with my friends or anyone at school. no one cares here. fashion, for me, is online and the internet is my escape because i can’t economically afford to get away, as much as i so desperately want to.
i talked about it in group (i go to a group at mclean hospital at the outpatient center where i was hospitalized twice) today and i ended up crying. i felt so ashamed, like the other girls judged me for it. i explained why i felt ashamed by saying “if i were reading books for hours on end people would have no problem with it but i’m online looking at blogs, not the real world. it’s not literarily respected. i think of people that are addicted to the internet as those kids that sit in their basements for 24 hours at a time playing world of warcraft.” to this one of the girls says “i play world of warcraft for 24 hours a day.” and i’m thinking oh, great, i’ve broken a group rule: no judging. ((and my dog just farted. really nice.))
photo credit: etsy
one thing was good about today: my mom and i decided that perhaps, in college, i should just major in Journalism instead of something like Fashion ______ (fill in blank) because Journalism is so much more broad. it would allow me to do whatever i want, really! i could write some BOOKS! or some PAMphlets! i could write for a newspaper! or i could do fashion journalism, like i had originally planned. Journalism is less narrow and lets me do more so i don’t get stuck.