Category Archives: Blue

ELEVEN

i have withdrawn.

photo credit: me

Sound of Silence / Simon & Garfunkel
Colors of the Wind / Pocahontas
Blue Ridge Mountain / Fleet Foxes
15 Step / Radiohead
Icky Thump / The White Stripes
The City of Blinding Lights / U2

enough.

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TEN

pretentious[pri-ten-shuh s] adjective

  1. full of pretense or pretension.
  2. characterized by assumption of dignity or importance.
  3. making an exaggerated outward show.

i read one of my old blogs. basically the prime example of this lovely ^word^. we’re not going to dwell on it.

moving on.

i didn’t go to school today. just couldn’t do it. we won’t talk about that either. but i did watch the graduate (for school). i did not like the ending. mrs. robinson sucks.

watch this.

going through the motions. life has no meaning anymore. i need to find a greater purpose (and no, i do not mean a greater religious purpose). i need to build a life worth living, as corny as it sounds. bleak. bleak bleak BLEAK.

photo credit: dripbook

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NINE

back to school tomorrow: i’m super excited

photo credit: flickr

i get to see all my best friends who i totally don’t connect with and don’t understand what’s going on with me (partly my fault because i don’t take the time to explain) and i get to see the dumbos in my classes who i really would rather never see ever again. that or i’d like to tell them to go to hell.

enough about that. i really love dripbook and we heart it. if i honestly answered the question “what did you do over vacation?” i would say “well muthafuckas [meaning my classmates], i stayed up late most nights until around 2:30 or 3:00 am going online looking at editorial photographs dripbook and oyster.” yeah, not so interesting. but i really do enjoy it and it’s quite inspiring. if only my computer didn’t get so bogged down by it.

i am mad. by jackie young..

photo credit: flickr

i saw northeastern university on friday [i live outside boston and it’s only about a 25 minute drive for me to get there]. i liked it at first but toward the end, not so much. i think they’re looking for the AP, honors, extracurricular, 2100 SAT student and that isn’t me. i used to think i was that person but not anymore. i liked that they were very into research and social/cultural questioning, which made me realize that i am interested in so much more than fashion. i like politics and social revolution/chaos (not that i like it to exist, i like to study it).

i am shy. by jackie young..

photo credit: flickr

the info session leader was a total snob, too. when she talked about the honors college, she said honors students can take a class called “Crazy in America” which i was thinking was about the flawed government or something. then she says “it’s about what it’s like to have a mental illness in america” and i’m like what the fuck! and i started tearing up a little (i was already pissed at her for some other stuff she said). i’m not crazy! it’s a common misconception that people with mental illness are crazy. i have a chemical imbalance in my brain, a lack of saratonin that deregulates my mood and often keeps it lower than the average person. to simply explain the class as “what it’s like to have a mental illness in america” without even saying that the american misjudgement that people with SMI are crazy is extremely misleading. northeastern is supposed to be a forward-thinking school and i sincerely hope that there is a colon at the end of that title with an explanation. perhaps she explained the class incorrectly but it certainly misrepresented the school (or did it?).

i’m thinking of writing an email to admissions (after i check the course selection forms online to see the info about the class, so i don’t jump to conclusions) to tell them that they should explain it better or omit it from the info session completely. i asked if there are psychiatric services for students at the university and she said she wasn’t sure but she thought there were so that’s good. then some mother on the tour gave me a handout that said “Students with Disabilities” which was nice of her but i guess i made an impression.

i am a choo choo. by jackie young..

photo credit: flickr

besides the tour, the rest of my friday was okay. my mom dropped me off on newbury street (in back bay) because i wanted to go to h&m, american apparel and zara. here’s my shopping list:

  • [X] skirt(s)
  • [   ] harem pants
  • [X] circle scarf
  • [   ] stretchy pants (no, not so.lows because that would be ew)
  • [   ] cozy tops

not very successful. i got a red skirt and navy tie dye circle scarf at american apparel. that’s it. i tried on SO MUCH but no cigar. and i was walking down newbury, boppin’ along, when i realized shit! i don’t have my phone! and i needed my phone to call my mom to get a ride from the T station to get home. so i went down to the copley outbound station thinking they’d have a pay phone and i asked the mbta guy there (he was very nice) but he said no and told me to go to back bay (a block or two away=SUPER). so i booked it over there, found a pay phone, called my mom and booked it back to the green line and made buddy buddy with the mbta guy. “YOU’RE BACK!” he smiled so brightly. we chatted as i dug around in my bag for my charlie card. then i bounced and all was well.

i am so true. by jackie young..

photo credit: flickr

except some girl on the T kept saying “WHABAM” really loudly. shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up

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EIGHT

sitting in the car in the garage. alone. no lights but the basement door is open with the light on. white stripes playing.

why does this keep happening?

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SEVEN

i realized some things:

  1. this blog is one big complaint. all i do is complain! but…okay, i’m not making excuses, but i am severely depressed and possibly bipolar and i possibly have borderline personality disorder, all of which cause me to have suicidal ideation. thoughts of suicide: the things i complain about contribute to the reasons i don’t want to be here on this earth (at the times i don’t want to be here, which, at the moment, is often).
  2. everything in my life is a comparison or a competition. i am the one who makes it that way, no one else.
  3. i am showing signs of having major cognitive distortions (hospital term): black and white thinking, fortune-telling, mental filter, feel decision-making, should statements, labeling/mislabeling.
  4. i have left out my “internet life” when i go to therapy. and i consider my relationship with her to be very strong.
  5. if i’m going to do this thing (have this blog), i need to be free of worries. i need to be able to write what i want to write and not care what anyone thinks. i will do that now.

i had my last therapy session with my substitute therapist today. i really like her and i will miss her, but i’m sure i can meet with her again if i want. we covered a lot of ground which was really helpful because i felt like with my current therapist (who i love and really trust) we’re stuck. i have developed a such a close relationship with her that i am afraid to disappoint her, so i don’t tell her about certain parts of my life because i don’t want her to think less of me (like blogging and the amount of time i spend online).

photo credit: etsy

i finally talked about my online habit today with the substitute therapist because honestly, i spend almost as much time online as i do at school. it’s REALLY unhealthy. like i’ve said before, i’m trying to fill a void, to find people to understand me, to find people like me. i don’t talk about fashion with my friends or anyone at school. no one cares here. fashion, for me, is online and the internet is my escape because i can’t economically afford to get away, as much as i so desperately want to.

i talked about it in group (i go to a group at mclean hospital at the outpatient center where i was hospitalized twice) today and i ended up crying. i felt so ashamed, like the other girls judged me for it. i explained why i felt ashamed by saying “if i were reading books for hours on end people would have no problem with it but i’m online looking at blogs, not the real world. it’s not literarily respected. i think of people that are addicted to the internet as those kids that sit in their basements for 24 hours at a time playing world of warcraft.” to this one of the girls says “i play world of warcraft for 24 hours a day.” and i’m thinking oh, great, i’ve broken a group rule: no judging. ((and my dog just farted. really nice.))

photo credit: etsy

one thing was good about today: my mom and i decided that perhaps, in college, i should just major in Journalism instead of something like Fashion ______ (fill in blank) because Journalism is so much more broad. it would allow me to do whatever i want, really! i could write some BOOKS! or some PAMphlets! i could write for a newspaper! or i could do fashion journalism, like i had originally planned. Journalism is less narrow and lets me do more so i don’t get stuck.

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ONE

photo credit: silver wings

another one? what is this, 5? 6? 7? really, i’ve had a lot of blogs. and to be  truthful, no one reads them but me. a blog is something of self-importance, something of self-indulgence. i read blogs because i have nothing better to do, because i’m bored with my own life and because let’s face it, i’ve been abandoned, real or imagined. and again, i speak in commas and i don’t like capitals when i type on the internet. it takes too much time. when it comes to the internet, i think very highly of myself. when it comes to real life, i think very poorly of myself. does that make sense? probably not. i guess i’m doing this because i keep it all inside and sometimes i just want to scream. i thought maybe someone would understand.

photo credit: lomography

but if you don’t like reality, don’t read this. if you’re okay with the unhappy things in life, by all means, read at your own will. there’s only time to spare, isn’t there?

 

but then there’s the dilemma of wanting someone to read what you write because either you think it’s important or good or whatever or you need help. i’m in the latter category. i just need someone to listen. but i don’t want to be a hypocrite. i hate hypocrites (even though i often am one, but we all are sometimes). i will do something that is easy for people to understand and to read: a list and the ever-so-famous “25 Random Things” (or “25 Random Dumb Things No One Ever Wanted To Know About You But You Told Us Anyway Because You’re So Self-Involved, You Dumb-Ass):

1. i think 25 Random Things is a stupid chain letter

2. i secretly want people to read this blog and that is probably why i am writing it

3. i hate people who self-promote their blogs and yet i have done this in the past and am thinking of doing that for my blog (well not exactly but simply commenting on people’s blogs which i happen to already read but never comment on)

4. i think the bailout (excuse me! stimulous package!) is SO DUMB! i probably consider myself a liberal but my views on the bailout probably classify me as a conservative however does it really matter anymore? we’re all fucked, aren’t we? democrat, republican, purple or green we’re all going to be fucking BROKE in the next couple of years and i happen to think obama is kind of a cool guy but he’s just not so smart in the economic field.

5. don’t even get me started about the big fucking dig in massachusetts. i won’t even go there. again, we’re all fucked. “change we can believe in” (yes, obama had the same campaign slogan as our lovely governor deval patrick). i’ll belive it when i see it.

photo credit: lomography

6. i’m on school vacation this week.

7. you’d think that would be a good thing. well, it is since i really don’t like school at all. but here’s the big one for you: i have depression.

8. my therapist went on vacation last wednesday out of the country and she won’t be back for another week. that’s never happened before. i think i started this blog because it’s late at night and i have nothing to do and i’m lonely.

9. i think i’m probably going to get shit for this. it’s a pity party for myself. but isn’t depression just one big pity party?

10. as much as i love fashion (it can be an unhealthy obsession), i basically wear the same thing everyday, the same formula: leggings + dress/skirt + oversize sweater/sweatshirt + pink patent dr martens + scarf

11. i am obsessed with lost. that’s another thing i live for, like when i’m on the edge and i think about dying i think about lost and fashion but fashion doesn’t always work because it makes me think about:

12. i’m not tiny. my meds made me gain about 50 lbs but also i’m not so good with exercise. that’s why the fashion industry and blogging world and shopping and all are intimidating for me. bad experiences and not so friendly

13. OKAY THIS IS BORING YOU AND I BOTH DO NOT CARE ABOUT THESE FUCKING RANDOM THINGS

photo credit: me

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